porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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