umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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