i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
