I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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