my phone needs a breathalizer
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
