I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
