So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
