A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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