Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
40s are totally the cure
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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