mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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