Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
