forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
