Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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