Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
