My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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