There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
