Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
