My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
