Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
