At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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