Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
