you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
