I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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