you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
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