i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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