Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
