Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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