I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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