Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
