4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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