i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
