genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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