Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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