i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Randomize
