He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
