Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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