I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
