im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
