I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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