I'm going to jail i love you
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
