I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
