the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
