Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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