I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
sarcasm needs its own font
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Congratulations! We have a period
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