The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
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