Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
