I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize