Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
