i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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