I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
