i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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