Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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