Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
