Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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