I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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