All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize