Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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