I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
